All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
