shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
