I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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