Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
