To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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