Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
