Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
