Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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