Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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