She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
