i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
