I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
