i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
