So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
