I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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