Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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