i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
