The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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