Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
