I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
