im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
