I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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