That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
