I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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