He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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