i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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