Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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