The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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