I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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