My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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