Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
BRING THE BAGELS
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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