he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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