i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
