That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
All I want is dick and wine.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
