Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
