Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
