mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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