after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
