my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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