I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
