My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize