I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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