Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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