my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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