my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
