How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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