Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
