guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
