just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
