Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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