Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
