I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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