I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
