Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
