I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Let's get the cat blown out
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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