I cannot find my penis.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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