So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
