Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
