Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
